I Think Guys Hate Me

selfhug

It comes as no real surprise that I’ve been single for several years now. And I must say, I’ve finally began to enjoy it. In previous years, I’d traveled back and forth with thinking that I wanted to be in a committed relationship, but the moment a guy would move in closer (put forth more effort or look as though he was going to), I’d somehow, effortlessly start closing the chapter on our “whatever-ship.” I can’t say that I’m proud of that, but  I can laugh at it now, because I know that I’m no longer confused about where I stand and I’m much more clear on what I want from a man. Apparently, I don’t plan on giving up the booty and/or engaging in a commitment with someone other than myself during this phase of my life. Sowwy guys.

I’m sure I’ve heard it more than 4x’s a month for the past eight years of my life, and I’ve probably given 384 different answers to the same question, but someone asked again, “Why are you single?”  I took a BIG sigh of relief and for the first time replied, “I don’t know.” Even though internally I knew, I was finally ok with not explaining myself.

The reality is…

For now…

I enjoy the idea of a committed relationship more than I enjoy the efforts of being in one.  Most people will see this as an issue because I’m pushing 30 years old and don’t have children busting out from between my legs, but WHO CARES?! I know I don’t. I have goals in place, people to meet, adventures to explore and a commitment to myself first. I don’t visualize going into any relationship half heartedly. Though many people do it, I don’t ever plan on hopping on board; especially after continuing to witness the unhappiness that comes with that decision, and I refuse to drag someone through the mud with mixed emotions and deceitful behavior. I will continue to pursue my own kind of happiness, and this is where the problem exists.

Guys have somehow been given two interesting signals when they converse with me. They seem to either want to do one of two things…

  1. Have sex.
  2. Be in a relationship.

Kudos to them for knowing what they want! But what I’m curious about is whatever happened to … FRIENDS? NO SEX having, NO RELATIONSHIP expecting… friends? Who murdered the friends’ zone? When did being someone’s friend become a tainted title or position? Why do guys frown their faces up and run in the opposite direction to the word… FRIEND!!!!

I constantly see my peers forcing relationships before actually getting to know who their potential partner truly is or who they (themselves) are. And just because it “looks good,” doesn’t mean, “it’s all good.” Again, I don’t want to be a victim of that kind of unhappiness. I don’t find it appetizing to hop into a commitment with someone who’s still a 60% stranger. I’ve had my bitter moments. I’ve had my heart cracked. I’ve had that stream of river falling from my eyes onto my clothes, and none of those feelings are cute.

Now I take my time to ask smarter questions, listen to my intuition and watch for behavioral patterns. I really do enjoy getting to know people and am still learning to accept them for who they are. And aside from getting to know them, I thoroughly enjoy getting to know who I am, and am still becoming entirely comfortable with my crazy self! I love Pernisha, and she is my first priority, so I am willing to take my time to nurture her; to be present and committed to cultivating her into this phenomenal woman. Since my focus is clear, there is no urgency to rush into sex or a relationship, because the absolute BEST comes to those who wait, and I am expecting to be very well seasoned when that happens; and I ain’t talking about some regular ole salt and pepper either hunny!

Ps. It’s all Love.

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