The BIG BOOTY Dilemma

nicki-minaj mag cover

5 Unbelievable Reasons You Don’t Want A BIG BUTT!

For the past few decades or so, we’ve all been hypnotized by voluptuous rumps like Serena Williams and Kim Kardashian, gracing the TV screens or the cover of the trendiest magazines.  And somehow, you’ve been magically swept into, “I want the biggest booty” land, and are on your p’s and q’s to get the fattest butt ever! Though I commend you on your efforts, you might want to reconsider your perspective on a perkier backside. From one big booty to another, I’m going to share with you five very unbelievable reasons why you may not want a juicy dunk at all!

ARE YOU PREPARED FOR WAR?! Have you taken the time to consider your safety before increasing your derriere? With a fatty on your back, you will need to invest in security, an experienced guard or a very masculine male protector to keep you from the harm of perverts at all times. That’s right, your own personal bodyguard 24/7, because there will always be men whistling, howling, growling and in your face (regardless of how attractive they are or not) to snatch your attention; and they can care less about how little time you have, where you’re going and if you’re in the mood to converse. They are mean, rude and always, and I do mean ALWAYS, disrespectful. Some of them will go so far as to even stalk you and make it seem normal. Then there are others who ask for hugs to grope you and possibly brush up against your behind for the quick thrill. You must be on guard at ALL TIMES because these predators are out to steal your excitement whenever and wherever! Seriously, I don’t ever go dancing anymore. Some guys just can’t seem to get a grip on their self-control and respect for other people!

Perhaps, you’re a person who can handle a nice predator anytime and anywhere. Well, have you considered…

LOSING YOUR FRIENDS?! Oh, so you actually think you can walk around your family and friends without some or all of them secretly envying you? You are in denial if you actually believe this. Everyone will stare at you, even when they try not to. They are instantly put into a trans when you pass them by; quietly salivating while mesmerized by your thick rump. Your girlfriends will be forced to leave their men at him if you’re coming around, because every woman (and her man) admires a big behind! I have yet to hear a woman say, “I am really content with the pancake I have.” And you are no close friend of theirs if your junk is bigger than theirs are. Believe it or not, they are actually hoping you either don’t show up to an event, or that you magically have to disappear in less than an hour. This is always the most uncomfortable position to be in, because there will be snickers all around you and you will not know it. Did you just pick up that new fitted, hot pink, booty popping dress earlier, and thought you would be complimented on your efforts? Hunny please. Someone if always willing to rip that dress off of you or make you feel unworthy in it! Oh but don’t worry, your bodyguard shall save you!

Well, you say you’re confident enough and you don’t need friends or your friends are so supportive they would never… How about your male counterparts?

ARE YOU READY TO STAY SINGLE FOREVER?!  At a glance, men only see three things when their staring at your bootyliciousness:  a trophy piece, money and/or sex. A guy who is willing to help support you financially is also the one who is willing to pay for you to look like a basketball wife on his arm at all times. Sounds good doesn’t it? But the tables will turn when there is a bigger butt and prettier face to grace his presence, so beware. Unfortunately, if he is financially disabled, he will see you as a huge expense or materialistic even if you aren’t- he has already priced you higher than he can afford and will feel inadequate. Disappointingly, there’s only one thing left to do with you if he can’t provide for you, and that’s screw you. If he isn’t confident enough to supply you with what you need out of bed, trust me, he will not be confident or attentive enough to supply you with what you need in bed. You are far out of his league, and his actions will definitely reveal this theory sooner or later.

But you already have a man who can care for you on all levels when necessary, you say? And you guys are going to get married and have a family and then you’ll be…

FLAT AFTER CHILDREN! I know, so depressing right? All that hard work you put in sweating out your hair at the gym, doing weighted lunges, leg lifts and squats to firm that booty, and then it dies after your first child! It has been detected that some women, after giving birth while losing post baby weight, will lose some fat in their jiggling junk. That equates to years wasted of burning the bun. You’ve invested in a guard, supportive friends, a husband and SURPRISE!!!! Booty gone! Will this possibility be worth it? Or perhaps you will not lose your camel back after all.  Instead, it will get bigger (as some post pregnant mommies do). If this happens, you have a much bigger problem on your hands.

Get ready to invest in a remarkable seamstress, because…

NOTHING WILL FIT! Well you wanted it, and now you have it and more than you can handle! From tops to bottoms, you WILL go busting out of all of your clothing. Your cotton shirts will roll up constantly after being pulled down and stretched out to cover your hips. You can never buy dresses or jeans online for fear that most of the time, they won’t fit properly. Expectantly, dresses will be wider at the top half or too tight on the lower half and so will your jeans. Your pants will be snug at the hip and thigh area and leave a noticeable amount of breathing space in the waist area. The garment industry does not cater to wide behinds so your undies will have to be a stretch thong or none at tall, unless you don’t mind replacing them after a couple of months (because the threads will wear faster). Now let’s assume you buy your clothing larger than usual, then you’ll be forced to walk around with a big dunk that makes you look fat because your clothes are too big! Bummer for your hot summers!!!

Speaking of summers… *BONUS*

FROM HOT TO…NOT!!! The bigger your derriere, the less you will workout! Get ready to turn into a couch potato if you aren’t careful during those HIIT moves. This may come as a shock to many, but it’s definitely in the cards. The extra weight in your behind and gravity will hold you down. Squats will become even more of a challenge (when coming back up to standing position). Jogging and jumping will become agitating when your clothing is not snugly fitted, leaving your girly parts to go jiggling and bouncing uncontrollably, and oh, YOU WILL feel the difference! Running and any other form of cardio will put extra weight on your hips, knees and other joints, so you’ll have to be extremely careful not to injure your body while working out. Ab exercises will be modified because you will be unable to lay flat on your back to do them properly. Do you have Obama Care yet?! Because the back problems will come rolling in if you do not support it with high quality cushion while sitting or sleeping.

Now, I’m going to ask you again… ARE YOU SURE you really want a fatabulously wobbling booty? Can you manage the disappointments and/or expenses above? If so, you’re mentally and physically capable of carrying a ten pound boulder on your back. Or, have you decided to run in the opposite direction and leave the big butts with Sir-Mix-A lot? “Run Forest run!” Having a firm derriere is absolutely NOT for the weak, the fearful or the cheap. One must be financially able, bold, courageous and break many barriers with such responsibility!

Good luck on your juicy butt!

~Pernisha G.

Ps. It’s all Love.


One response to “The BIG BOOTY Dilemma

  1. Pingback: Why Black Women DON’T Workout | For Thee Love·

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