Dear Diary: Exist

Existing FTL Pernisha PM

July 2, 2014

Dear Diary,

Sometimes I feel alone, like no one cares about me – I have a hard time relating to the outside world. No one knows how it feels to be in my shoes. Sometimes I feel frustrated because I get so stuck and caught up in what I want my future to be and it’s not existing fast enough for me. Sometimes I don’t have patience. Sometimes I feel like nothing even matters – I just want to give up and say f* everything. I just want to throw my hard work away like it doesn’t live in me, like it never existed. Sometimes I feel confused. I don’t know what I’m supposed to be doing and where I’m supposed to be – is my vision even clear. Sometimes I feel like I’m hard to understand. As a matter of fact, I can be hard to understand; I have a hard time expressing myself. And sometimes, that makes me angry. I want to be understood, but sometimes I just don’t know how to. Sometimes I think I know everything and I really don’t – I just sometimes feel that people are good at lying, and I only need to believe myself. Sometimes I am invisible and sometimes it depresses me. I want others to know that I am here and that I exist.  But other times, when I’m ok with being invisible, it’s because I am completely overwhelmed, and I wish people and my thoughts would just leave me the hell alone! Sometimes I wish there was a cave I could hide in, and I would only come out of it when I wanted and needed to. Sometimes I get really mad at God. No one knows I am, but Him. I get so hopeless and disappointed because I don’t know what His plans for my life are; and I like to be in control of how my story goes. So I get uncomfortable knowing that He is the controller of the outcome of my life. And sometimes I feel like most of the answers and the right directions should be handed to me. Sometimes I don’t want to work for anything. I just want to live, to breathe and be happy and make other people happy. But sometimes, it’s not easy – at all! Thankfully enough though, when I am high and excited about life, when I am existing and not resisting, I don’t ever think about how good enough I am not. I only feel how great enough I am. And I am seriously looking forward to many more of these days of my life. I am glad to know that the sometimes (when I am not at my best), that it’s just sometimes and not all the time. I am also mature enough to know that every sometimes is a lesson and an open door for me to improve the moment; for me to increase the power that lives in me. And that’s how I become stronger and more efficient at living. And that, I know I am capable of doing!

Have you learned to overcome your sometimes? If not, it’s ok! I won’t judge. It took me a minute to get here. We all move on different wave lengths. If you have mastered your sometimes, I‘d like to know in the comments below!

Talk to you soon,

~Pernisha G.

Ps. It’s all Love.

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2 responses to “Dear Diary: Exist

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