The Importance Of Alone


Absolutely dedicated to every woman who has been in a relationship with a man, more than she has been in a relationship with herself.

I’ve been single for enough years now –  I have not been obligated to a commitment with any of my male friends in several years. Over these years, I kept thinking I wanted to connect with someone on a deeper level. I wanted to have one person by my side that I couldn’t wait to see, or watch movies, date, laugh and enjoy life with. Fortunately, that did not end up being the case. In between time, I kept asking God, “why not that one, or that one… what’s wrong with him, or what’s wrong with me?!” Surely enough, the more I asked, the more I was shown the why’s. Today as I look over my shoulder, I would have NEVER wanted to marry or commit to any one of the guys that I had previously dated. The more time I spend alone, the more I recognize what is for me. And there is absolutely no ways to know what I want and need in my life without first knowing who I am or who I want to be.

I remember at a very young age I kept asking God to “not make me like” the women in my family. They all have been in relationships with men for as long as I could remember. But not me, I wanted to be independent and self-sufficient, alone and on my own. Part of this reasoning is: I never liked their choices of men; they were all either abusive mentally or physically, and I kept wondering, “why do y’all keep going back to them?” So my plans to be alone were subconsciously set in stone.

Until I matured, I recognized that a man did not have to be a hindrance or someone I dealt with because I needed someone around. Then I began to question, “How do I get to him?” What can I do to get to a better man, and have a loving relationship?

After reading so many books, articles and the inevitable Bible, my answer was smack in the mirror. It was me! I needed to know what I wanted (for now and for the future). I needed to be completely aware and conscious of what my boundaries were; based on my personality, what could I work through and what could I not. I needed, most importantly, to be able to communicate with a man how I wanted to be respected and loved; and, I needed to be able to show him that by doing it myself first!

I have grown some sort of sickness for women (and men) who are always involved with other people; yet, they do not know who they are. They expect their partners to figure them out or shape them. When in reality, the best and long-term relationships are those where the man and the woman are mostly working to increase the value of each other selflessly – giving and loving with little to no expectations. A woman can only be these qualities for a man if she does it for herself on a consistent basis – then she would not have to think about doing it, it would be second nature to her. Time in a relationship between a man and a woman can be used sensibly by spending less time changing and training each other, and spending more time on being supportive, loving and lifting each other up.

I have grown a dislike for the statement, “you have to train your man if you want him to…” I say: if you want something to train, go buy a pet. You should be willing to accept a person for who they are, and if you can’t, they are NOT for you. Do not waste each other’s time assuming you can or will “train and teach” them to be who you want them to be. If being that person does not come naturally for them, they will feel a discomfort and look for comfort somewhere else, and most times, with someone else. The inescapable, (the breakup), is bound to happen anyway. You have the ability to be wise and end things on likable terms or sh*tty terms.

Know who and where you are. Know what you want now and what you want later. Know your boundaries. Know how to love you before you give other people the honor of doing it first. Know that, figuring out where you stand as an individual is acceptable and important. Get in touch with your intuition, emotions and character. Stay in touch with yourself and be able to express who are when others ask you. There’s a difference between liking to dance, and liking to be on stage performing in front of millions of people, even though you have bad stage freight, but love to entertain anyway. Be able to elaborate on yourself when you need to. Believe it or not, men with intellect love women who know how to dig deep and scratch more than the surface. But then again, that might depend on the kind of man YOU want…

Pernisha G.

Ps. It’s all Love.


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